Saturday, March 26, 2011

Oct 20, 2021

While lying there sick as hell, I actually thought that I might die. It wasn’t the first time. But this time I actually had time to sit there and really think about dying. All the close calls with zombies, especially with what happened at the airport. I realized that if I died, which could be at any moment, I wouldn’t get a chance to say goodbye. I think I said some goodbyes, but I’m not sure. I want to be sure, so here are my goodbyes:

Mom: I know I said goodbye already, but I have to do it again. My guilt for not being there. My guilt because Jack was mine. My guilt for not getting the vaccine like the rest of the family consumes me. I know that is why you come to me in my dreams. I wish I could take it back. Stupid little boy had to have a dog. You are such a wonderful mother. Doing what a mom is supposed to do. You took care of us all. Putting our needs in front of yours. Bent over backwards working and taking us wherever we needed to go. Rushing us to school, and picking us up. Always making sure we were on the right track. Supporting me leaving for college instead of staying home. Making sure we had everything. And taking care of dad on top of everything. You always said it was easier taking care of us than him. I just wish I had the chance to make you proud instead of killing     Goodbye

Dad: I hope you are still out there somewhere. Fighting for Violet. Taking care of her. Protecting her from the evil. I know you would do whatever it takes to keep her alive. I wish I was there fighting by your side. Actually, I really wish we were sitting in front of the tv watching a game instead. I’m sorry to have taken mom from you. You know I wish it had been me 100 out of 100 times. I should have stayed home instead of running back to college. I abandoned you and Violet looking for the easy way out. It wasn’t like I accomplished anything at school after that. I know you were looking forward to me graduating one day. I wish you had that opportunity. I would have walked proudly for you. Goodbye

Violet: Best sister a brother could have. While lots of brothers and sisters spent time fighting, we always seemed to bond. I’m sorry you never got a real chance to experience the world before it turned for the worse. Kind of sad I never really got to do the whole protective brother thing. Maybe that was for the best. I know dad is protecting you now. If I was there, I would do the same. I’m sorry I took mom from you. I wouldn’t blame you if you were mad at me forever. Just know that mom and dad love us no matter where they might be right now. I love you as well sis   Goodbye

Grandma/pa: Thanks for always spoiling us kids. You didn’t have to do that in order for us to visit. Summer vacations at the house were always great. It was good to get away from things. Mom was right, best breakfast in NC morning after morning. Grandma and Grandpa Logan, I’m sorry for taking your Grace from you. No parent should bury their child. Staring out the window at college, I kept thinking about how I could never look you in the face again. Right now, I would do anything for one more minute with you guys. I am sorry. Grandma and Grandpa Wagner I wish I got a chance to know you. Dad told me about how happy you were to have a grandson. I am sorry you never got to meet Violet. You would have loved her. I am sure you are resting in peace, which is better than most these days. Goodbye

Jack: It is not your fault Jack. The blame is mine more than anyone. I don’t even think you had the disease. You will always be my best friend. A boy and his dog. I will always remember our days at the park. Playing catch. Fighting for the bone. Sitting there just petting and petting you. You will always be a true Wagner. Goodbye

Friends and family: I hope things worked out better for you all. Maybe there is a safe place out there somewhere, and you all made it there. It probably isn’t the life you expected, but at least you have a life. Live it to the fullest. The best you can given the circumstances. For those still on the run, hopefully the zombies won’t find you. Be safe. Fight. Survive. Goodbye

Friends I have lost on this journey: You all deserve a personal thank you because I wouldn’t have made it this far without you. Each of you have contributed to me surviving until this point, and in the end, I hope it turns out to be worth it. Know I did my best. For some, I know I was a chicken. I wish I could have helped more. In the beginning it was tough not knowing what was really happening. So many of you filled me in on what the zombies are. Where they came from. How to kill them. How to survive. Many of you risked your life for someone you barely knew. You are all heros in my book. I hope to return the favor to more along the way. I guess some have to die in order for someone to survive, and preserve what we have left. Goodbye

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