June 16, 2021

I thought about it all night. Didn’t get the vaccine. Didn’t get the disease. Still alive. Mom got vaccine. Died. People that didn’t get the vaccine. Died. People that got the vaccine. Died. Doesn’t make sense. How is it fair? What were people supposed to do? They died either way. Difference is some became zombies. Some didn’t. And me. How am I alive? My only guess is that Jack never got the disease. So they didn’t need the vaccine. This just gets harder and harder to swallow. I should just focus on the kids. They are a sign of hope. 

June 15, 2021

My mom just won’t leave me alone. Haunting my dreams again. Ruining my memories. I could see her ordering zombies to hunt me down. Escape one then she would appear ordering others to get me. I must have really let her down. I accept this punishment. If they never got Jack for me, they wouldn’t need the vaccine. It was mostly for dog owners. There is an outside chance they could have gotten it any way, but still. With a dog comes responsibility. You need to feed it. Take it for a walk. Give it a bath. And most of all love it. That is what mom told me after giving me Jack. I did some of those things for a while. Then it was mom that feed and bathed him, and dad that walked him. I loved him. That I did all the time. Easiest thing to do. We all loved him. That was the problem. Couldn’t get rid of Jack. It would have been like mom getting rid of me, or Violet. Vaccine was the only choice. And mom paid for it. Hopefully it did not take dad, and Violent too. Not sure I could deal with knowing I was responsible for my families death. Knowing I killed mom is all I can handle right now. 

June 9, 2021

Things not getting any better. Thought it was. I have enjoyed some of the rain we have gotten. Good water to drink. Able to clean off. But it also caused a problem. With the wet ground, Jake crashed one of the vans. No one got really hurt. A bump and bruise here and there. Good thing we didn’t slide off a cliff. They have tried, but it doesn’t look like they are going to be able to fix it. We have been preparing to ride in one van. That is going to be a packed house with all the supplies. I think we are going to have to leave some stuff behind. They wouldn’t leave me behind instead? No, a good babysitter is hard to find, especially these days. 

June 1, 2021

Dodged a bullet yesterday. Literally! Some crazy old guys living up on this mountain. They didn’t take kindly to strangers. I guess they thought we were going to steal their stuff. I’m glad they didn’t steal any of our stuff. They fired a couple of shots that were close. Rob wanted to ask for some directions at the least, but they wanted no part of us. They wanted us to leave in a hurry. They were screaming something about us having a disease too. None of us are zombies, but they weren’t willing to risk it. They obviously had some of their own zombie experiences. The other bad part was that since they didn’t let us pass, we had to go back down and around in a new direction. Jake was not happy about the wasted gas. 

May 16, 2021

Arkansas is different from Oklahoma. Lots of mountains. We have gone over a couple. Jake is worried about driving so much. We are using a lot of gas, and seem to be getting nowhere. My map doesn’t exactly show us a good way to avoid these mountains. We are spending a lot of time in the woods too. Less chance of zombies out here, but you never know. 

April 23, 2021

Nicole. That’s her name. That is about all I have learned in the last few months. I actually asked Emily about her, but she didn’t have much to say. Said she was with Rob and Jess when the couples met. Jess told them she does better alone, so no one pays attention to her unless they have to. I just realized I don’t know how the couples came to be friends. I need to ask. Nothing going on in Arkansas, which is a good thing. 

April 2, 2021

Arkansas! Never thought I would be in Arkansas. Is this going to be the place where we get saved? Or die? We have worked well as a group so far. Actually, Jake and Rob have done more of the work. Getting cars to work. Protecting us from zombies. I have been more like a babysitter. An older brother to the kids. This has been a refreshing experience to say the least. So busy with the kids, I haven’t had a chance to write. Actually gave them some pages to draw the other day. So if you are reading this and see missing pages, it was most likely because I gave it to the kids. You didn’t miss anything. Unless someone messed with the journal after me. Jess actually was asking me about the journal. She was shocked I took the time to write. I told her she was lucky to have the others to talk to. The journal is who I have talked to. My one true friend on this journey. Keeping me sane. Keeping my memories alive. The only thing I have to leave behind if a zombie gets me. I thought she was going to ask to read it, but she seems to respect my privacy. The kids wanted to read it. They thought it was a storybook or something. I had to lie my way out of that. I don’t think there are any kids stories here. So Arkansas. Let’s see!

Feb. 25, 2021

Jess told me an interesting story the other day. It was about the first time they saw a zombie. They were visiting Rob’s parents. It was a surprise visit. Rob Jr. missed his grandparents so they took the trip. Things were fine the first couple of days. Then after dinner one night, there was something knocking up against the door. Rob’s mother went to check it out, but apparently didn’t see anything at first. It happened again, and she went to the door again. This time she opened the door because she thought it was her other son. She was sort of right. It was her son turned zombie. It immediately attacked her. Jess said they were so confused when they saw what was happening. Rob pulled his brother off of his mom, but they couldn’t reason with him. He wouldn’t stop trying to fight his way out. They knew he was sick because his face was all messed up. Probably looked like he was micro waved. They choose to lock his brother in a room. Jess called for the police. It must have been at the beginning of the madness because I know we could never reach anyone on 911. She said an ambulance with 2 EMT’s, and one policeman showed up. They tried to save his mom, but it was too late. Rob’s father didn’t want to turn in his son, but Rob thought it was best. He needed help. Jess didn’t see it, but she said when they opened the door, Rob’s brother went right for his dad. The policeman and Rob had him for a second, but he got loose and then went for the cop. The cop had no choice but to shoot him. Jess said that she came running back in the house at that point. Rob had his father in his arms, and the policeman was calling for back up. She figured the cop had shot his brother. She said that just as she was about to ask if he was dead, the brother rolled over. Everyone was shocked. It appeared the cop had shot him in the chest, not the head. The cop reached for his gun again, but his brother beat him to the punch that time. Jess ran to get Jr. as Rob told his father to get in their car. When Jess came back with Jr. they all left leaving his brother behind. They couldn’t believe what happened. Jess said it was strange how Rob’s brother lived about 15-20 miles away, but hadn’t seen his parents in at least 10 years. It seemed they had a disagreement over the parents’ will. Probably wanted more money than he was getting. Not their favorite son I guess. Anyway, she said there was no car, or other transportation. They don’t know how he got there, or why after all this time he showed up. Jess said they had an interesting ride back home. The closer they got to home, the crazier the streets got. I believe that!

Feb. 1, 2021

Moving along. So far so good. Getting along with the family. The kids especially. Think I’ve won their complete trust with the kids. No longer feel that eye over my shoulder. Jake is the take charge type. While everyone usually has a say, he is generally leading the way. Emily is the opposite. She is quiet. Enjoys taking care of the kids. Usually worried if everyone has eaten. Rob is a smart guy. Always looking for new ways to make use of items we find. Jess is a talker. Since I am the new guy, she has plenty to talk about with me. She has stories to tell, which I’m sure the others are tired of hearing. Much better group than those crazy military like asses. They got what they deserved. 

Jan. 19, 2021

Last night while we were sitting around the fire, I told the group of my desire to get back home. They seemed supportive of that idea. Getting out of Oklahoma was something they were ok with. They didn’t promise to go all the way to N. Carolina, but Jake said they were ok continuing to move east. Jess said let’s just see where life takes us. Lots can change at any moment. She is right. Maybe we will be rescued by then. Maybe there is no more N. Carolina. The only thing I know right now is that I’m staying with the group. Until? 

Jan. 3, 2021

Another year. Hopefully this will be a better year. Hope: for a year where zombies disappear. Hope: for a cure. Hope: we can start rebuilding. Hope: we can get back to normalcy. Hope: to be reunited with my family. Hope: these kids have a future ahead of them. Hope: to be rescued. Hope: for shelter and hot meals. Hope: to stay warm for the rest of the winter. Hope: for a bath. Hope: to stay healthy. Hope: not to be bitten. Hope: there are other survivors out there somewhere. Hope: whoever is responsible for all of this burns in hell. Hope. 

Dec. 27, 2020

I didn’t say anything, but I wonder why they didn’t celebrate Christmas. Maybe they don’t celebrate it. Not their religion. Not sure if religion matters these days. They celebrated Thanksgiving from what I could tell, and there wasn’t much to be thankful for besides being alive. Who knows? 

Dec. 20, 2020

Peter has gotten over the events of the night I helped him out, and now continually wants to play. Like I am his new toy. He has quite the imagination. His favorite game seems to be pretending I am the zombie, and that I must die. At least he knows zombies aren’t good. I rather him learn I am the zombie and he must run away, but I guess that game isn’t as fun. Christina likes asking a lot of questions. Is it wrong lying to a kid? There are some questions I just can’t answer, and some that I don’t really want to talk about. I lied to Violet, but that was Violet. I knew what I could get away with. Rob Jr. hasn’t been as open to welcome me. Sometimes he joins in on kill the zombie, but I think he prefers playing with Peter alone. Could he be jealous that Peter has a new friend? It has been too long since I have been around kids. Plus the parents are still watching me. I never liked being around other people’s kids. I hated when I had to watch Violet and her friends. I never wanted to be responsible if something happened to one of them on my watch. Mom knew it too, but sometimes I got stuck watching them by default. While these parents keep an eye on me, I think they are happy to get at least a moment or two to relax.

Dec. 12, 2020

More zombies. Yesterday we pulled right up to several of them. Not sure what they were doing besides just roaming around. As soon as they saw the vans, they kicked it into gear, and came right after us. Rob and Jake put the vans in reverse, and took off. I was glad they took my approach to zombies. Don’t mess with them if you don’t have to. We didn’t stop for long after that. Got what we could from one store, and left town. Now we are out in the fields again. Take turns sleeping in the van. I sleep a lot when we are on the move. I can’t seem to help myself. Jess told me I talk in my sleep. Not good. Hopefully I won’t say anything bad about them. She said I mentioned zombies. No surprise there. That is all I dream about. She also said I mumbled “grass” a lot. She must have meant Grace. Again no surprise as she continues to be a huge presence in my dreams. I just played dumb with Jess on that one. It is too hard to talk about. Hurts even writing about. I am happy these families still have each other, but it also hurts watching them be together. Kind of jealous. This would all be so much easier to deal with if my family was around. Maybe that is why these kids aren’t too fazed by what has happened. It is like a big road trip for them. Except for the ugly monsters. I miss you     Grace

Dec. 9, 2020

Couple number 1 is Jake, and Emily. They have 2 of the younger kids. Peter, who was the one I saved. Sort of. And their daughter Christina. They told me their ages, but I forgot already. I am so bad with that stuff. Couple number 2 is Rob and Jess. They are Rob Jr.’s parents. Never really understood why you name a child after yourself, and make the only difference Jr. The older girl is still the odd person out. I see her talking more with Jess than anyone else, but I don’t know. Haven’t had the courage to ask. They haven’t said much about her either. I hate to say it, but she is almost as brain dead as a zombie. Just sits by herself. Doesn’t do much. Doesn’t help out. We moved into another town now. Let’s see what it has to offer us. Need more warm clothing. It has been getting really cold at night. It is a good thing that Jake is able to start fires. 

Dec. 5, 2020

I am still with the families. Couldn’t find the right time to leave, and there are more advantages than disadvantages of staying with them at this point. They have food, nothing much better than I find but there are no more gourmet cooks around these days. They have vans, and are surprisingly good at getting gas out of cars. One of the fathers was a mechanic. I am the only one alive that has no luck with cars. I have someone to talk too. Haven’t shared anything too personal with them. Just exchanged a few survival stories. I don’t want to get too attached. I am not sure how long this alliance is going to last. Sometimes I get the feeling they trust me, and other times I feel like they are keeping an eye on me. I guess I don’t blame them especially with the kids around. It is amazing that these kids have survived. The parents have gone to great lengths to protect them. Gives me a little hope that maybe Violet is alive. I’m sure dad would do the same for her. The kids seem pretty normal considering the circumstances. Not traumatized from what I can tell. They play a lot with the mothers close by. The only one that is odd is the older girl. She barely says anything. Kind of stays away from the group. Within safe distance. More like a follower. We haven’t spoken. I’m beginning to wonder if she is even one of their children. I just stay out of it. None of my business. They have gotten this far without me interfering. 

Nov. 29, 2020

What I didn’t want to happen, happened. I am now friends with the families. I should have left, but was just too lazy to leave without a car. Maybe a higher power kept me here. I was watching them on what was supposed to be Thanksgiving. They were celebrating, I am not sure why, and surprisingly lost track of one of the kids. I noticed the little boy got too excited playing with some toy, and was getting further and further from the group. I was in a two-story building and was going from room to room to watch him. That was when I noticed something else moving. Of course it was nothing good. I really didn’t want to get involved, but couldn’t just sit by and watch this boy get eaten. I ran door stairs, but when I got to the bottom, I really didn’t know what to do. I was weaponless. Then I realized I had the door barricaded in. No way was I getting out in time. So I smashed the window, and carefully and quickly climbed out. Didn’t need a plan at that point. Just as the zombies had picked up on the boy, they changed their direction to my noise. 3 zombs came right after me. I dodged them and ran to the boy who had now seen what was going on, but was frozen. I grabbed him and ran to a nearby car. Luck was on my side again because it was open. I pushed the boy in as he was screaming, and jumped in myself. Locked the doors. That was really a dumb move. I should have known better to get in a car that wouldn’t start. They started beating on the windows. I looked for something in the car to defend us with, but there was nothing. The boy kept screaming and was really panicking. I thought that was it. A good deed for nothing. I don’t know if I really really could have done it, but I was seriously thinking about how I could sacrifice myself for him to survive. Then I hit the horn by accident, and it worked. The zombies froze for a second, and then moved over to my side of the car as I held it down. Those were some ugly zombies. One of them was missing an eye. Some didn’t even have all their fingers. Drooling all over the window as they beat on it. Blood smearing on it too. As bad as my nightmares. I asked the boy if he was ready to run. He wasn’t listening to me. He was just screaming. I tried to scream over him, but that didn’t work. Kids have good lungs. The window started cracking and the horn was about to stop working when all of the sudden the zombs went up in flames. The fathers heard the horn, and came running with torches. It was amazing seeing the expression on the zombie’s face as it caught on fire. It looked as if it actually felt pain. I wasn’t sure if they did. I just thought they kept fighting on no matter what until you killed them. Never paid attention to their expression before. Just killed them and moved on. As the zombs flamed out, the kid jumped out of the car. I just sat inside for a few minutes kind of hoping they would just take their son and go, but they thanked me. I really didn’t want thanks either, plus they actually rescued us. It was just some instinct. Maybe the thoughts of Violet being in a similar situation. I would want someone to save her. They invited me over to their camp, but I told them I would pass. That didn’t work. They practically begged me to go with them so I did. For the last couple of days I have been with them. Learning who they are, more who they were. They seem all right, and are not with any other group from what I can tell. We have moved through the city slowly, but now is the time to decide. Do I stay with them, or continue on by myself? That may depend on me finding a car. Also, the direction they are going. They are in the same boat as I am. Just trying to survive, and looking for hope. 

Nov. 23, 2020

They don’t leave. Just hanging around. I guess they feel safe here. Not sure what to do. I really want a car, but I can’t just take one without them knowing. I don’t think they are a threat to me, but I just want to move on. I’ll give them another day or two. If not, I will be on foot again. 

Nov. 20, 2020

Watching these families is making me really miss being home. Not knowing what happened to my family. Not sure if I will ever know what happened to my family. Did they escape like me? Roaming around like me? Are they with each other? Violet on her own? Are they zombies? Eating people? Seeing these kids run and play reminds me of going to the park with Violet and Jack. Jack chasing other dogs around, while Violet played on the swing-set. She loved swinging. “Higher, higher to the clouds” she would always say. One time she surprised me and suddenly jumped off in mid air, and took a hard fall. I thought she broke a leg for sure. I ran over to her as she lied still for a few seconds. Then she just started laughing. I was thinking mom was going to kill me for sure so I was relieved. It was that damn daredevil of a kid that was jumping off next to her. I really wanted to yell at his parents, but I just told Violet she couldn’t do that again or mom wouldn’t let us come back. I’m sure she did it again, but not while I was watching. 

Nov. 14, 2020

Families still here. They are making their way through town, and I am just following them through at a distance. They aren’t leaving much behind for me. Staying locked up at night. Finally saw them light a fire, but nothing like what I have been seeing. Probably just keeping warm. Also see dads walking around with self-made torches keeping a look out. As soon as they leave, I will look for a car.